En Gastric Bypass

Sen jag sist uppdaterade den här bloggen så har jag börjat äta Duroferon för järnbrist, Provera (gulkroppshormon) för mensen, och Sertralin för depression.....

Jag har också fått besked om at jag har förhöjd halt av nått ämne man ibland måste äta för att kunna bli gravid lättare...

Jag blev inlagd på Sjukhus i TVÅ nätter... pga mensen och PGA mitt blodvärde låg på 74, normalt för en tjej ligger runt 130 någonstans.. Jag fick 2liter blood i en blodtransfusion, men värdet var inte riktigt som det skulle även efter dom 4 påsarna blod jag fick... @.@ Jag fick diagnosen; Sekundär Kronisk Blodförlust, Anemi...

Efter det så var jag sjukskriven i 2 veckor och efter det så slutade jag på jobbet.. och efter sommarn så började jag plugga på Folkhögskola...

Jag har fått en remiss till att göra en Gastric Bypass, som nu är i full rullning.. Jag har varit in till Uppsala några gånger, träffat en doctor och en beteendevetare fått pratat lite. Nu har jag telefon/mail kontakt med min beteende vetare eftersom jag bor så långt ifrån. Enligt henne så har jag en form av ätstörning, där jag måste straffa mig själv om jag äter för mycket osv.. Så jag har fått i uppgift att föra en matdagbok med tankar och så, för att hon ska ha en liten pejl på hur jag tänker och känner när jag äter....

För en vecka sedan nu, fick jag reda på att jag har sömnapné.. Det är inget som faktiskt kan försämra chansen att få göra operationen, men det är bra för dom att veta t.ex. under operationen och under uppvaket.... Uppvaket är viktigast eftersom man har fått massa bedövning och sömnmedel och tjoffs so normalt så går man ner i andningen när man är drogad, men har man sömnapné och ingen känner till det så kan det innebära komplikationer...

Så JA jag får sova med mask och andningsmaskin.. Det är trixxigt att sova med den, för jag kan inte sova i den ställning som jag tycker bäst om att sova på..... ligga halft på sidan och halft på magen.. Sen så tycker ju jag om att andas med näsan, för annars känns det som om jag är täppt..... Men den här darthvader masken trycker ner näsvingarna så det går ICKE!

Anyway... Nu ska jag gå på toa, värma något att äta... och klä på mig.. För jag har försovit mig..

<.<

17 May 01:00 pm Tuesday

Okey.. Today I've got enough of this shit.. My period has lasted for almost to months now and I'm exhausted.. I'm tired all the time and close to fainting from time to time.. It's the lack of blood..

I have to get some meds for this, that makes it stop.. But those meds are very expensive..

Anyway.. I just wanna go to sleep and sleep for the whole day.. Cause I'm in pain and... It's raining outside.. -.-

Though I actually need a smoke right now.. So... C'ya!!

11 May 12:55 Wednesday

Okey, I'm about to go to work.. I'm running a bit late, But I don't feel stressed at all.. I have an appointment at my psycologist at 03:00 pm today, in about 2 hours from now..

I haven't taken any anti depressive meds since saturday and I'm feeling like I could just lay down on the floor and just die.. It's like my entire skelleton is shaking and shivering just like when I have fever.. But I don't have any fever.. I've actually checked..

But anyway.. I should actually go get dressed and hurry to work now..

10 May 06:30 pm Tuesday

So... 12 hours since the last time I put in something in this blog...

Well.. I ended up falling asleep at 9 am.. woke up at 3 pm... And it seems everyone on my cell has been trying to contact me in some way or another..

Guess a friend of mine will be coming here shortly to dye my hair and cut it.. Even If I'm not that fresh, atleast my hair can be right??

I haven't eaten anything yet.. But I'm not hungry so... I won't eat anyting either..

Think I'll go take a smoke on the balcony after I'm finished writing here.. It's 19c in the shadow outside.. Guess it's going to be summer here soon.. Good I hate the heat.. Well well.. What can I do about it.. Maybe I should take a trip to the nortpole or something.. Dunno..

Grandma called today.. I didn't answere.. I wrote her a message instead.. Cause she can be a real pain in the ass cause she worries too much.. If I don't answere the telephone when she calls, she think I have a grudge against her or something.. Annoying right..

Ah well.. I think I need a smoke now though..

10 May 06:30 am Tuesday

I'm sitting here by the computer listening to music and the bird chirping outside.. Feeling lost in myself..
This might just be me.. An empty shell with no hopes of a bright future ahead at all..

Dreams.. Hopes.. Happiness... Might just be a dream of it's own to have, right?!

I've been crying for so long now.. Can't sleep.. Don't have any apetite or what so ever..
The food doesn't taste any good any more..
The feeling of having something fun to do isn't in my sight anymore..
Am I just a depressed bastard looking down on life like many other?? Am I anything special for anyone?? What meaning does my existence have anyway?? Would anyone actually miss me if I'd be gone??
No one knows right.. Cause I haven't done anything for anyone.. not for myself or for anyone around me..
Aren't I just a bother for people..

I don't wanna go to work.. the only thing I get out of it is money so I can pay the bills and keep on living this boring and sad life..
Am I ungreatful?? Maybe.. But what to do.. When I don't even have a spark that keeps me looking forward, and keep going like nothing ever happened in my life..

Do I have any goal in my life?? And is it even worth writing depressing wierd crap in a blog that nobody want's to read anyway??

Well.. They say it's good to write or do something to vent on your feelings and just pour out everything that keeps bothering you...
Cause hurting myself isn't an option right.. even if it would feel a bit better to just feel a bit of pain for a moment.. To actually feel anything at all..

Sometimes, like today, I don't even know why I'm crying.. It just pours out.. A silent empty and painful cry that stings in your eyes and head and heart... Even the tears burn on the skin..

Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself, for being this sad and boring person.. I don't know..

I know I've been going through many painful things since my childhood.. But I can't remember a single thing.. Only the stomachache and the times I've randomly throwed up many times a week.. Felling the lump in my throat every morning before school or work.. Feeling sick of this fake smile everyone puts on in my presence, and my own fake smile I show to everyone, trying to tell "everything is just fine, don't worry! I'm okey! *smile*".... Laughing that discusting fake laugh.. Lying to everyone, lying to myself..
Someone once told me "It sounds like you're crying when you laugh"... Seems like he saw through me and that everything was just fake.. I never talked to him again.. Afraid he would get too close, so I turned my back at him and left..

I'm awful, right?! I'm an awful person.. I really am..