10 May 06:30 am Tuesday

I'm sitting here by the computer listening to music and the bird chirping outside.. Feeling lost in myself..
This might just be me.. An empty shell with no hopes of a bright future ahead at all..

Dreams.. Hopes.. Happiness... Might just be a dream of it's own to have, right?!

I've been crying for so long now.. Can't sleep.. Don't have any apetite or what so ever..
The food doesn't taste any good any more..
The feeling of having something fun to do isn't in my sight anymore..
Am I just a depressed bastard looking down on life like many other?? Am I anything special for anyone?? What meaning does my existence have anyway?? Would anyone actually miss me if I'd be gone??
No one knows right.. Cause I haven't done anything for anyone.. not for myself or for anyone around me..
Aren't I just a bother for people..

I don't wanna go to work.. the only thing I get out of it is money so I can pay the bills and keep on living this boring and sad life..
Am I ungreatful?? Maybe.. But what to do.. When I don't even have a spark that keeps me looking forward, and keep going like nothing ever happened in my life..

Do I have any goal in my life?? And is it even worth writing depressing wierd crap in a blog that nobody want's to read anyway??

Well.. They say it's good to write or do something to vent on your feelings and just pour out everything that keeps bothering you...
Cause hurting myself isn't an option right.. even if it would feel a bit better to just feel a bit of pain for a moment.. To actually feel anything at all..

Sometimes, like today, I don't even know why I'm crying.. It just pours out.. A silent empty and painful cry that stings in your eyes and head and heart... Even the tears burn on the skin..

Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself, for being this sad and boring person.. I don't know..

I know I've been going through many painful things since my childhood.. But I can't remember a single thing.. Only the stomachache and the times I've randomly throwed up many times a week.. Felling the lump in my throat every morning before school or work.. Feeling sick of this fake smile everyone puts on in my presence, and my own fake smile I show to everyone, trying to tell "everything is just fine, don't worry! I'm okey! *smile*".... Laughing that discusting fake laugh.. Lying to everyone, lying to myself..
Someone once told me "It sounds like you're crying when you laugh"... Seems like he saw through me and that everything was just fake.. I never talked to him again.. Afraid he would get too close, so I turned my back at him and left..

I'm awful, right?! I'm an awful person.. I really am..